I sit here tonight, strumming through my head of what pictures to post for Day 16 of 31Days, while the youngest is pruning in the shower.
A notification dings and I open it. All of a sudden I’m ditching the framing pics and deciding the little can get a tad pruner.
It’s a friend, one who’s child attends the same school as ours, and has for a few years.
Our relationship has evolved differently. In passing, it’s normally shallow talk….teachers, kids, the weather, etc…a hug here and there.
She messaged me after our fire. They have had two. Two friggin fires…..
She wrote candidly about emotions, raw ones and things that are still surfacing.
She was blunt, but honest. And honesty is a good thing.
She also told me right off the bat that she wouldn’t read my posts all the time, it was too hard. And she’s not the only one I have had received messages from that have said that.
“I read your post this am and I just want you to know that it was healing. I want you to know that you are healing by expressing all of this. I didn’t and kept it shoved down so far that I’m still healing. I didn’t lose everything, but I know some of your feelings. I must confess sometimes I can’t or won’t or don’t read your posts to protect my own feelings, but when I do I read how strong you really are for just surviving. I don’t know God’s reason for your fire or my fires except to say it has brought us to our knees. It has brought me closer to God and I know it has you. I’m thankful to know you and I feel like it’s part of God’s reason for knowing each other. It must be! Stay strong my friend and keep writing and saying it ALL!
I give you major props for taking the 31 day challenge. I may or may not be able to read them all, but I wish you Godspeed. I can’t even begin to write about all my worries involving what could catch fire.”
I know things happen. And everyone says they do for a reason. And you have got to believe that they can only make you stronger and you start to see a bit of the good that has happened only because of the events that have happened to you.
And then you have your days. The blah ones. The ones where I don’t want to go down the street to find your kids, I don’t want to walk past that place. It might make me remember something and feel something that
I.just.don’t.want.to.
I don’t want to fill out insurance paperwork. I don’t want to strum through my head everything we lost that we can’t replace.
I don’t want to look and look and look for a picture for a school program only to realize we don’t have any.
I do no want to.
The fear sets in, what if it happens again? Can my kids handle that? Could I?? It comes and goes and lately I have put it in the back of my mind about it happening again. I think we all do…we stuff things. This is what I opened tonight:
So here it is. It’s not pretty, but is at the root of all my fears and anxiety. I’m scared as hell that I won’t catch the next fire. I’m scared that my husband, boys or I will do something careless or forgetful to cause one. But mostly, I’M SCARED AS HELL THAT I WON’T BE THERE TO PREVENT THE NEXT 1. Tears are streaming down my face. I’m so terrified to read your posts this month, friend, and I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed that I don’t have the courage to do it. I’ve been through 2 small house fires and nothing compared to your pain.
What do we do when fear and worry run our lives?
I think that this gets hard for all of us, no matter where we are in our life and what trials we are going through….we let fear trample through and leave us behind, smooshed into the the dirt. Exhausted the next day, it’s as if we can hardly focus.
But what has He told us to do since day one?
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
So why do we let fear grab a hold and shake us?
‘Fear does not necessarily mean danger, it simply means fear. We associate fear with danger because that is how our body interacts with our God given motivation for self preservation. When we go into a dark room, we might sense fear, especially if we are apprehensive about the dark, but that does not mean that there actually is a danger. It only means that there is an unknown, and that unknown can breed fear – fear of the unknown. To fight the fear of the unknown, counteract it with faith based on the known – the known will of God.’
We have to have faith and trust in Him to lead us into the dark room, in and around the fire. Sure it’s a long, tedious road that sucks….but can you imagine it without Him? And I know I don’t want to live in fear my entire life. Yes, I still worry, who doesn’t? But then you reflect and pray and have a peace about it.
I think that this gets hard for all of us, no matter where we are in our life and what trials we are going through….we let fear trample through and leave us behind, smooshed into the the dirt. Exhausted the next day, it’s as if we can hardly focus.
But what has He told us to do since day one?
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
So why do we let fear grab a hold and shake us?
‘Fear does not necessarily mean danger, it simply means fear. We associate fear with danger because that is how our body interacts with our God given motivation for self preservation. When we go into a dark room, we might sense fear, especially if we are apprehensive about the dark, but that does not mean that there actually is a danger. It only means that there is an unknown, and that unknown can breed fear – fear of the unknown. To fight the fear of the unknown, counteract it with faith based on the known – the known will of God.’
We have to have faith and trust in Him to lead us into the dark room, in and around the fire. Sure it’s a long, tedious road that sucks….but can you imagine it without Him? And I know I don’t want to live in fear my entire life. Yes, I still worry, who doesn’t? But then you reflect and pray and have a peace about it.
Do I wish that this would of happened? No, not really. But I have had an overwhelming peace since this has taken place. I know that I have changed (still drop a few words here and there….and over there) and have more trust.
Do I wish that my kids had never gone through this? It depends…some days when they are feeling it, who wouldn’t want to reverse things? Who doesn’t want things to be perfect for their own child? On the other hand, they have learned the value of faith, friendships and community. To have humility and value the very little things you have.
Do I wish that my kids had never gone through this? It depends…some days when they are feeling it, who wouldn’t want to reverse things? Who doesn’t want things to be perfect for their own child? On the other hand, they have learned the value of faith, friendships and community. To have humility and value the very little things you have.